September 28, 2012

I had committed to helping with Caden's class today (yesterday). When I said I would I didn't think it would be a problem. However as the time passed I was less sure.

This morning I decided I was going to go and if I couldn't stay I knew they would understand.

It went well. The kids had fun. I enjoyed taking pictures, seeing my little boy with his new friends and talking with Mrs. Green.

I am not really sure how to feel. I have to admit that a lot of the time it still seems like Brandy is traveling with her husband and children and I could just call her. Of course in my head I know this is not true and the true facts are constantly in my thoughts. I am not sure if this is just normal, or maybe because I am so far from family or maybe it is God's grace.

Anyways today (or actually yesterday) was a big step for me. I think next week when the kids go to school I am going to try to get out a few days and take a walk. The neighborhood lake sounds like a nice place to do this.

It really was nice to see Caden with his own little friends. I'll leave you with a few pictures from today and one that Caylea's teacher sent me from meet you at the pole on Tuesday.

Thoughts from September 27, 2012

My friend Terri who is the daughter of my Mom's Best Friend since they were kids made this for me.  This is  just the internet copy.  I am going to print it larger and frame it.  I think it is beautiful.

I honestly wasn't sure if I would ever blog again.  I knew my Project 365 blog was complete.  I am not wanting to challenge myself with pictures right now.   

However I think because I am here in Louisiana and feel so alone that this will be a good outlet for me.  I know that I am not really alone.  I know people here have reached out and will be there when I am ready and that I have people in Oklahoma who love me and are there to talk anytime.  I am thankful for those people.

I am having a hard time with why I am here in Louisiana.  God knew this was going to happen.  I understand that God had a purpose for calling Brandy home and that many have said to me that in death she will touch more than she could of in life.  Which I have a hard time with because they were going to be in Brazil in June to tell people about God that was her heart and goal.  Who touches more people than preachers and missionaries?  My mind hasn't been able to really accept that that could be true.   But even still I know God has a purpose and one of my goals is to make sure that all of Brandy's good is not undone by my bad or how I handle this.  

I know God is there and I know He loves me.  I have to say that I have been through some rough stuff in my life.  Every since this one particular difficult time in about 2000 I have always felt God's love and that I was special to Him.  Even if everything else was wrong and hard.  I could feel His love.  I am honestly having a hard time with that right now.  I think it's mostly because I am separated from my family and going through this here in what feels by myself.  Honestly though I haven't wanted to be around people.  It is really hard for me to be around people who didn't know Brandy.  I am not really ready to move on and pretend that this horrible thing didn't happen. I am not ready to pretend that my heart is not shattered.  I don't want to keep busy.  I want to think and remember and in some way understand.

I am so thankful for all of the prayers because I do realize that those prayers with God's help have gotten our family this far and will continue to carry us.  God is good.  Even when everything else feels bad.  I do know that.  Please continue to pray.  

In my time going through pictures recently I found this.  It was a picture that I had one of the guys in our family take of Brandy, Amanda, Stephanie and myself.  This picture was taken in November 2010.  I shared this picture from my profile pictures November 2011, the pictures caption was I love my Sisters.  

You see in March 2011 our father Larry died unexpectedly.  So last year was the families first holiday without him.  

I love that on here she says "Love u 2!" I found it just when I needed it.  

We could of never guessed how much life could change in yet another year. 

Here is the picture that the comments were on.  I really do love my sisters!  I was closest to Brandy but I love them all!  Stephanie is my 1/2 sister and we also have a step sister Jolene which is not in the picture.  We also have two 1/2 brothers Nathan and Lawrence.  Obviously I love them too!

This picture was taken last Christmas.  It was the last one taken of the 5 of us.  It is very special to me!

Amanda, Brandy, Me, Stephanie and Lawrence

Actually I lied this is the last one!  It's pretty special too but in a different way!

I have a really bad memory but I am pretty sure Amanda got a wet willy. . .poor thing!

Brandy, Caylea and I this picture made me realize that my baby girl is growing up much much too fast!  Brandy and I always talked about how we wanted our kids to slow down.  Life just keeps moving much too fast treasure each and every minute! Don't ever wish it away my friends!

(These pictures are not good quality they are screen shot off of my iPad from Facebook and uploaded here.  If you are family and want a copy of any of them please email me and I will find a printable size for you.)

September 11, 2012

September 11, 2012 at 10:55AM  My sister Brandy Bell went home to be with the Lord.  She was in a car accident with her family.  Her family is physically fine.  

My sisters Home going Celebration as her husband called it was Saturday at 10:00AM.  Pastor Joe Mandrino said that there were 500 people there.  What a great testament to the kind of person my sister and this family is.  

My heart is shattered.  Brandy leaves behind her loving husband and 3 beautiful children Elijah, Sarah and Caleb.  Please keep them in your prayers.  

 This is a link to the online Obituary.

These are the words that I spoke at the Celebration of Brandy's life.

I have not only been blessed to have Brandy as a sister but also as a best friend.  As kids Brandy and I clashed at times.  Our relationship grew and developed as we got older but it was when she had Elijah and I had Carolina that a relationship grew into what I will cherish in my heart for the rest of my life.  We loved being with each other and raising our kids together.  We always found something fun to do whether it was a zoo trip, the park,  just hanging out at one of our houses or even our trips to the grocery store.  I am not sure how but somehow Brandy could make even the grocery store fun!  We always had all of our own children with us and at times we even had extras.  We were probably quite a site walking down those isles.

When we moved to Louisiana of course the hanging out everyday stopped.  However I thank God for making it possible for me to drive back up and visit so much during these last two years.  Every time I came to Oklahoma except for the few trips that she was not in town the first day or two, Brandy and her kids would be waiting for me at Mom's when we pulled in.  Usually Mom and Brandy would have dinner ready.  Amanda, Brandy, Mom and I would just spend the night catching up and watching our kids pick up where they left off. There were very few days while I was in Oklahoma that Brandy and I were not together.    

I remember my last trip to Oklahoma in July, having a conversation with Brandy about someone that I thought was using her and I had felt that they long ago had used up all of their chances.  I asked her why she kept allowing it.  Her answer was that she wanted to let this person see God's love through her.  At the time I accepted that but I worried.  Now I understand.  The last few days I have spent a little time angry at people who I felt like hurt my sister and then I realized that I can not do that.  Not only is that not what Brandy would of wanted I have realized that at times I was no better and Brandy loved me when I was most unlovable.  She prayed me through times when I know it was difficult to be around me.  A lot of who I am today is because my Sister showed me God through herself.  

I do not understand why God would allow someone who was doing his work and touching so many people in a mighty way to be taken from this earth way too soon.  I asked Chris the other day that if she can see us now how is she not sad in heaven to see us grieving.  Chris said because Brandy sees God's plan. I have faith that God has a plan even in this.  

These posts are from my Project 365 Blog: 

If you are interested in looking back January 6 Brandy and Chris brought their kids to us before they went to Brazil on their survey trip.  

They returned to our house to pick up the kids on January 26.

Brandy and Chris had a missions conference in Dallas this week.  Brandy and the kids were free on Saturday so she met us in Tyler, TX at the zoo and then we went to McDonalds to let the kids play and eat dinner.  March 3

The kids and I spent spring break in Oklahoma with Brandy and family starting March 23.

We were able to go on a very wonderful Florida vacation with them starting May 26

We were back in Oklahoma for 9 days starting June 7 ~ I got to spend my 35th birthday all day with my sisters first as Sarah and Lizzie's birthday party and then back to Amanda's for dinner and cake for my birthday ~ so special.

Then our last trip for 13 days starting June 28

Most all of the pictures are actually of our kids together.  At first this upset me terribly but then I realized that just meant Brandy was most likely right next to me chatting with me when I took the pictures.  

I love you with all of my heart Brandy.

BOOMER!!!!

SOONER!!! Yes it is that time again!  I love this time of year!  I am not a big fan of football but I do LOVE OU!  I enjoy seeing them do well! 

So here we go our 3rd season in Louisiana watching OKLAHOMA football!  I think this is the thing Anthony misses most about being in Oklahoma! 

Enjoy your day and enjoy your game!  I know we are!