I know I already posted about our day it was a nice day with my family. We have been with Anthony's family on Thanksgiving for the dinner for the most part for the last probably 6 years. We did it this way because it was more controllable with the food allergies (I really do appreciate my Mother in Law making sure everything was always safe for my kids. . .especially in the beginning when I wasn't even sure I knew what I was doing) and I enjoy and love his family also. I thought if we went to see my family after most of the food was over with it would be safer for my food allergy children. The only problem with that is that I miss most of our family by the time we get there. So this year we agreed to go to my families for Thanksgiving. I am so glad we did it was nice and I had a great time visiting with everyone. I had many childhood memories come flooding the whole time. My Mom has 6 brothers we grew up having a big family get together every month for birthdays and just to be together. It was an amazing part of my childhood. I have so many memories but some of the best ones that stick out most are the guitars and singing together. I can't carry a tune but I enjoy music so much. I always have I think that is why when we lost Brandy the music is what could reach me inside when I felt so alone and unsure of everything that I had always believed. I am so thankful I had a friend who reached out in whatever way she could and sent songs to me. We even went to see Kari Jobe in concert when I really only knew literally one of her songs. I soon knew and loved every single song she sang. I still do most of her music is deep and is pure worship. I think during that time I developed a heart of worship like I had never had before. I grew up in church and felt I knew worship but not like I do now. I am so thankful I know how to get to my quite spot with God all by myself.
Thanksgiving is in my heart I believe everyday. Not just on thanksgiving I am thankful to God for giving me this gift.
I found this quote the other day and shared it on facebook I love it and I believe it is so very true!
"If anyone would tell you the shortest, surest way to all happiness—
he must tell you to make it a rule to yourself to thank and praise God for everything that happens to you.
For it is certain that whatever seeming calamity happens to you, if you thank and praise God for it, you turn it into a blessing.
Could you therefore work miracles, you could not do more for yourself than by this thankful spirit, for it heals with a word speaking, and turns all that it touches into happiness.
… it be the noblest sacrifice that the greatest Saint can offer unto God.”
~ William Law, A Serious Call to a Devout & Holy Life
I was in the kitchen and I heard my grandpa's voice. I ran into where they were and had to record it. I am so glad I did. I am also so thankful that my grandpa was able to come to Thanksgiving. I wasn't sure. He is living in a nursing home now because he is not strong enough to take care of himself and my grandma can not lift him. I pray he will be able to go home again one day. It is hard to think of my grandma being home without him and him being in a nursing home without family. It was really good to see all that made it.
Our family is really blessed. I had a great day spending time with my family. Spent a lot of it thinking. . . We are so blessed. Last year holidays were so so sad for me. This year still sad maybe it will always be. I miss Brandy a lot! I miss how things use to be. It seems the older I get the quicker things are changing. As I was amongst my family today a flood of memories came to mind. Growing up in a family filled with love and music. I hope my kids feel the same thing. I couldn't help but look around and think how quickly life changes and how different our lives could be next year. . . Who and how many won't be with us anymore. Did I hug everyone today and tell them I loved them? I do! Very much! As we were driving to my uncles Caden said I was lucky! I said no bubba I am blessed. God didn't give me those I love by chance. It wasn't luck at all and I'm very thankful!! God is so good to me and I am so thankful!!
Those of us here on earth who love Brandy surely missed her a little more yesterday. The tears weren't far from coming most of the day. Thankfully I had my girl Carolina's day to make special with her little friend Katelyn. My sister would of been 35 yesterday. I thought these flowers were bright and cheery just perfect for her. The kids picked out the balloon saying butterflies remind them of Aunt Brandy. I'm not sure if they heard me say that or they just think that. Either way it was fitting. I wanted big balloons but they were out of helium. So this was actually maybe better. There is peace in knowing her day and all days now are amazingly beautiful!! I love you Brandy and miss you so much a piece of my heart will always be missing until I see you again one day!!
Brandy's birthday nears. . . the second one without her here with us. As it nears I feel change. I feel sadness. I am happy. God has blessed me but I think after 14 months I can safely say it doesn't get easier. It becomes normal yes. Easier no.
When September 11 hit this year. The one year mark. Amanda and I stayed busy. We both took off work. We spent the day volunteering our time. A friend went with us and took us to lunch. It was a peaceful calm day. My heart felt numb.
I think I have been almost completely numb for a long time in the matter of my missing Brandy. Sure I miss her but in a not accepting this as reality just yet kind of way. Just thanking God for the blessings. Not thinking about what any of that means.
I realized Sunday while sitting in church listening to the message over Thankfulness that loss can do many things. It can take you down a bad path where you turn from God or if you lean into God He can take you to a place of calming thankfulness.
I have never been more heartbroken in my life than loosing my sister. I have never in my life been more thankful for anything than I am now. For everything from the butterflies that I like to think Brandy sends me so often. (She called Caylea her butterfly so they just remind me of her. Sweet and lovely.) To being back in Oklahoma with my family. To having a great group of friends. To a verse that might come in my head right when I most need comfort. To praise and worship music. I believe in the months following Brandy's passing praise and worship played a big part in my healing and being able to eventually hear and speak to God again. I heard a song this morning on K-Love while we were getting ready for school Just say Jesus ( ). It was just a reminder no matter what when I ask He is there. Who couldn't use that reminder first thing in the morning.
I spent some time this evening after the kids went to bed looking for a picture of Brandy and I. I am not sure it even exists. Maybe it is just a memory in my head. I can't find it. As I look through pictures I feel my breath catch time and time again with the reality and the heartache. It still hurts just as much only I think I am starting to accept our reality in a way I hadn't before. Which to me means it hurts more.
I am thankful I can look at those around me and see happiness. Especially in Elijah, Sarah and Caleb. What good that does the heart. So often Caleb's little ornery smile reminds me of Brandy when we were kids. Maybe I wish that ornery smile wasn't because little man doesn't want to give his Auntie Chan and hug but I love it still the same!
I know everyone's grieving is different. At the beginning I thought I was so wrong. I was so angry and I looked around and no one else appeared to be. It took me a while but God didn't give up on me nor did all those loved one's praying for our family. I am thankful for that. My process may not be the same as anyone else's in the world. I am okay with that.
My heart aches but I am thankful to be thinking of my sister, all our wonderful memories and missing her. I won't ever stop!
I can only imagine how Brandy will be spending her birthday in heaven this year. I'll trust her day is more wonderful than I can even imagine. This is a picture from the last time I got to celebrate her special day with her. Carolina's birthday is the day after Brandy's so we celebrated them together. I love this picture and this memory.
We had such a great time at the pumpkin patch again this year. It was mostly family and a few from church. It is kinda a smaller type pumpkin patch but the kids have so much fun and you know me I love taking the pictures! Especially with all the fallish type colors including the wonderful orange pumpkins! I love the color!!! Especially on little boys and in pictures! There are quite a few pictures here. I love them all and all of these people in my life! God is so good to us!
My last baby brother is married away. Well not really away because I gain an awesome sister in law. I have not completed all of my pictures so I haven't blogged them. I decided to share and finish when I can. I am so happy for my brother and newest sister in law. Of course also my beautiful niece Khloe. It was a beautiful wedding! I can not wait to see the professional pictures!!!
