One thing never changes. . .that is that there will always be change. For as long as we live in this world nothing will stay the same except God's love for us!
September 11, 2012 changed a lot of people's lives. That is the day there was an accident on a highway somewhere in Kansas. I am not even sure of all of the details. I know what I know. I know what I've heard. Knowing more or less does not change the facts. So I try to not think about what I do know and what I don't.
Something I do think about is how much God loves me. He moved us back at the exact moment in March 2013 for me. You see in May 2012 Anthony thought he was going to get the opportunity to move back . . .I didn't want to. I remember thinking no God I am not ready to go back yet. God gave me what I wanted and it didn't work out. In the time since then I have wondered if it would of been better for our family to have been able to move back before our lives were so drastically turned upside down. Maybe but maybe it would of been worse also.
One thing's for sure our family wouldn't of gotten to fall in love with Baptist Tabernacle and been able to feel God's love through that church in such a mighty way!
I also know during those first 6 months I needed a lot of alone time. I probably wouldn't of taken it had I been in Oklahoma.
So maybe . . .just maybe it was another one of God's gifts to me.
I've never in my life felt pain and heartache the way I did when we lost Brandy. I also had never felt so much confusion over who God is. During that time God gave me an abundance of grace, peace and leniency. He then in his perfect timing opened my heart to a new friend. One who would be so slow and so simple. Just sending me a kind word and a song to listen to. During those first few months I couldn't hear anything it was all jumble however after some time those songs began to speak to me. Those songs grew in me and gave me the love I have for singing praise and worship to my heavenly father. To this day when I am really struggling I can listen and feel with my whole soul certain worship songs and feel God holding me still. Another gift He gives me and I am thankful each and every time it happens!
My husband use to play guitar and sing praise and worship all the time at home. He doesn't as much anymore. I am praying that that changes soon. However I was telling my girls today that their Daddy wrote me a song not long after we met. I told them that I remember the exact moment I feel in love with their daddy because he sang me that song. I knew right then that he could see who I was without me even having to tell him. I love that music man of mine. I am so thankful that God put him into my life!!
Look at all of these kids! Aren't they just absolutely adorable???!!!!
After Brandy passed away and God moved us back to Oklahoma I have been able to help with Elijah, Sarah and Caleb two days a week. It has been so many things. It has been a blessing, wonderful, & sometimes stressful. I mean come on 6 kids what else would you expect. However it has so been worth it!
My kids and their cousins were blessed with the opportunity to continue their relationship through a very difficult time. They are all doing amazing. I am so proud of them all.
This last week was my last day to keep them in this way as Chris got remarried yesterday. I am happy for them all. I think there will be some adjustment however I think it will all work out. Just as God intended.
I am going to miss getting to spend so much time with these kids. I miss Brandy so much and it's been a blessing to be able to care for her babies during this time. She was such a great mom, sister, Aunt and so much more! She just knew how to love. She didn't balk at change and newness the way I do. She embraced it and loved whomever it involved! I was reminded yesterday while talking to a friend about Brandy she said "Well, we all know what Brandy would do in your situation. . .she would embrace her and love her." Those words kind of stung at first but then they made me cry because they are so very true. Brandy wanted to show God's love to everyone. I pray everyday to be more like my little sister in that way. What a legacy she left behind!
A new thing I have decided to do is photography as a business. Brandy was my biggest fan. She always commented on my pictures. I had my first paid session set up before the accident for that next week. I cancelled it and lost all interest in photography for a while. Using it mainly as record keeping for my family and a ministry at the church. However a few months ago I just got this overwhelming feeling that once I was not watching the kids anymore I should start on it. That Brandy would want me to do that. Not because she is gone so she is sending me any vibes or anything like that just because I know how much she loved it. So I began searching for a graphic to make a watermark and logo. I wanted a cross but felt like it had been done so I came across this butterfly and thought how perfect. Brandy called my Caylea her little butterfly. Then when she passed away it seemed like every time we had a family gathering or I needed her I would see a butterfly. I know it's not Brandy I just can't but think that it was sent to bring me comfort at a moment when I most needed it!
So I am doing it.
I pray that God blesses it and uses it for his glory. Whatever that is I know He will lead me exactly where he wants me to be!
