Does It Get Easier . . .Fourteen Months

Brandy's birthday nears. . . the second one without her here with us. As it nears I feel change. I feel sadness. I am happy. God has blessed me but I think after 14 months I can safely say it doesn't get easier. It becomes normal yes. Easier no.

When September 11 hit this year. The one year mark. Amanda and I stayed busy. We both took off work. We spent the day volunteering our time. A friend went with us and took us to lunch. It was a peaceful calm day. My heart felt numb.

I think I have been almost completely numb for a long time in the matter of my missing Brandy. Sure I miss her but in a not accepting this as reality just yet kind of way. Just thanking God for the blessings. Not thinking about what any of that means.

I realized Sunday while sitting in church listening to the message over Thankfulness that loss can do many things. It can take you down a bad path where you turn from God or if you lean into God He can take you to a place of calming thankfulness.

I have never been more heartbroken in my life than loosing my sister. I have never in my life been more thankful for anything than I am now. For everything from the butterflies that I like to think Brandy sends me so often. (She called Caylea her butterfly so they just remind me of her. Sweet and lovely.) To being back in Oklahoma with my family. To having a great group of friends. To a verse that might come in my head right when I most need comfort. To praise and worship music. I believe in the months following Brandy's passing praise and worship played a big part in my healing and being able to eventually hear and speak to God again. I heard a song this morning on K-Love while we were getting ready for school Just say Jesus ( ). It was just a reminder no matter what when I ask He is there. Who couldn't use that reminder first thing in the morning.

I spent some time this evening after the kids went to bed looking for a picture of Brandy and I. I am not sure it even exists. Maybe it is just a memory in my head. I can't find it. As I look through pictures I feel my breath catch time and time again with the reality and the heartache. It still hurts just as much only I think I am starting to accept our reality in a way I hadn't before. Which to me means it hurts more.

I am thankful I can look at those around me and see happiness. Especially in Elijah, Sarah and Caleb. What good that does the heart. So often Caleb's little ornery smile reminds me of Brandy when we were kids. Maybe I wish that ornery smile wasn't because little man doesn't want to give his Auntie Chan and hug but I love it still the same!

I know everyone's grieving is different. At the beginning I thought I was so wrong. I was so angry and I looked around and no one else appeared to be. It took me a while but God didn't give up on me nor did all those loved one's praying for our family. I am thankful for that. My process may not be the same as anyone else's in the world. I am okay with that.

My heart aches but I am thankful to be thinking of my sister, all our wonderful memories and missing her. I won't ever stop!

I can only imagine how Brandy will be spending her birthday in heaven this year. I'll trust her day is more wonderful than I can even imagine. This is a picture from the last time I got to celebrate her special day with her. Carolina's birthday is the day after Brandy's so we celebrated them together. I love this picture and this memory.