Our Family

I know that this is news that most people know but our family is moving back to Oklahoma.  

I took these photos January 12 at an old church in Keatchie, Louisiana 

My babies Summer of 2010 at the same church 

They have grown so much we have all changed a lot!  We are still Okie's though 100%!

Back in the spring when this moving thing came on the scene I wasn't wanting to go.  I'll just say it I do not like change and I was perfectly content here in Louisiana.  

Things are different now.  

When the moving thing first started being talked about this time I was cautious not to get my heart in there.  I have been dealing the best I can with Brandy's passing.  Sometimes not so well but God  has given me enough grace to make it though many of the days I just didn't care to keep breathing.  

During those day's I felt so alone.  So lonely that my heart felt it would stop just from loneliness.  So lonely I didn't even know it was possible to feel that way in a world surrounded by people.  So alone I would just curl up and sleep my days away.  Well I did that but I did keep up with the house and make the needed trips to the grocery store.  I think the kids being at school all day was both good and bad.  Good because I had more than enough time to reflect. . .Bad because I had more than enough time to be inside my own mind.  

Christmas was the worst it hit me that it would be the night we put up our Christmas tree here in Louisiana.  I knew if I could make it until we got to Oklahoma being with family would help. . . and it did.  It was still so very hard but somehow seeing Brandy's kids happy and Chris doing okay made it bearable.

I enjoy my time with all three of Chris and Brandy's kids but Elijah and Sarah run off with their cousins and Caleb would just chill with me!  We made brownies, snuggled, played with the furby's and just hung out.  That baby boy can make a hard day wonderful!  Such a precious little man!

When we drove to Oklahoma a few weeks ago for our house hunting trip as I was driving.  I had my first thoughts of really looking forward to something.  It was so great I hadn't felt that in months.  It was the thought of taking Caleb to the zoo.  I can't wait to help take care of him during the day.  Of course I want to spend a lot of time with all my nieces and nephews but most of the rest of them have school.  Elijah and Sarah are loving school from what I hear!!  They started just a few weeks ago.  I am so proud of them and their Dad!  They are doing great and Chris did  wonderful helping them through the last several months and preparing them.  

Brandy and I made so many wonderful trips to the zoo.  There were times that she couldn't go because of her health when Sarah was a baby and I'd pick up Elijah but mostly they all came.  When Sarah was a baby she was told she couldn't take a medicine she needed so she was in a lot of pain while she nursed.  I'm thankful that although I know the Lupus and Rheumatoid was really hard on her that she wasn't in that state most of the time. 

So the zoo I wasn't sure how'd I feel going back but Nancy and I went in November when I was in Oklahoma for thanksgiving and we had a good time.  I am so thankful for my time with Nancy also.  I do not know many people who are so comfortable and spent so much time with their sisters mother in law.  I can say I enjoy my time with Nancy, I love her, and I enjoy watching her with Elijah, Sarah and Caleb.  

We leave for Oklahoma in 3 1/2 weeks.  I know it's going to fly by. Remember I am not a girl who likes change so with trying to adjust to not having Brandy anymore then trying to process a move it was just too much for a time.  Just today I think I have started to look forward to it.  Before I was just thinking about all the friends I would be loosing here on top of loosing Brandy because lets face it we won't be back at least not much.  I am thankful for the people God has placed in my life here but I also have to acknowledge the blessing he is providing our family in our move back home.  

It's not just me, my husband and kids that need this but my siblings, my parents, my nieces and nephews and many many more.  (Also I know Anthony's family is ready for us to be back also!!) 

The thing is Anthony's company doesn't just move people to move people and they don't just move them twice within 3 years.  It costs them a lot of money.  In fact at the National sales meeting last week the president of the company told Anthony he was the most expensive salesman he has.  That tells me God had his hand in this.  The same man who said no I'm not moving you again in May said yes in December!  

A few weeks ago when I couldn't of imagined having a peace in my heart again.  I know God gave me grace but there wasn't peace in that ~ at least not after the first few days.  I had to come to a place where I was searching for Him because of my total inability to handle anything anymore.  Even though the beginning of that had me worried that it wasn't going to come . . .it did it just took time.  I'm not saying that to say that God isn't capable of giving the peace right away but for me I think He was waiting for me to let go of anger and unforgiveness that I was holding onto.  I had a really hard time forgiving God.  I know how that sounds after all HE DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES.  Also look at my life and all my sin and He forgives me daily.  I know He didn't do this to hurt me or my family He has a plan in it all.  A greater plan than what we see before our eyes.

 I wasn't even been okay with being okay.  I've learned that it is okay to be okay.  

I have my hard days and I probably will for a while.  I am learning I have many triggers.  The Pastor at church last night just mentioned September and I flashed back.  Then I couldn't wait to get out of that church.  I know it'll take time.  Brandy was in my life since I was 17 months old until last September 11.  I'm not the first person to loose not only their sister but their best friends.  I also know what Chris and those kids lost that same day. . .and my Mom and my other siblings and family and church family and friends!  

I've kinda been in a state of fog (that is the only word I can think of to describe it although I do not think it quite fits) for the last almost 5 months.  In ways it seems like forever ago in ways it seems like it couldn't of been nearly that long since I've seen my sister.  In all honesty I haven't seen her since July so even though we talked actually seeing her was longer.

I feel like I'm rambling now  . . . so that means this must end or it will go on FOREVER!  

I just felt like sharing.  I never actually thought I would share this blog again.  I thought there was a good chance I would never blog again.  I didn't plan on it when I sat down tonight.  

This blog has always been about my sweet babies.  Even when I started this tonight that was all I was going to make it about.  Obviously my heart had so much more to share.  I'll catch you up on my 3 blessings soon!  

Thank you for listening and praying.