July

What a wonderful month July has been for our family in the past.  Six years ago tomorrow my precious baby boy Caden was born.  Ten years ago on the 18th of this month my Caylea made me a Momma! 

The last several days I've been emotional.  I am much to sentimental to do myself much good.  Last July was the last time I saw my sister.  July 10th in fact.  I look back at my Project 365 blog and am so thankful that I did it.  I can see each and everyday and have so many details outside of what is in the blog to make me know it was real!!  I miss my sister so much still almost 10 months later.  She was so much more than just a sister to me!  She was one of my very best friends!  

Tomorrow is Caden's birthday the first of my kids birthday's since being back in Oklahoma.  Before we moved and even if we happened to be in town on one of the kids birthdays Brandy and I always made them special for the kids.  It is a special day!  I am so sad she isn't here to help me celebrate him!  Anthony is on vacation this week so I am thankful for that Caden will have a fun day!  

I haven't really felt much like sharing feelings lately.  It's mostly just the same stuff and I try not to let myself dwell on it and just keep busy.  Brandy would want us to keep enjoying life.  As it has almost been 10 months since the accident and we have now been in Oklahoma for 4 months life is finding the closest thing to normal since September 11, 2012.  I hate it!  I hate when things seem normal.  I hate that I have to be Okay that my family all has to be okay.  The truth we are but we still miss such very big part of our lives.  

I was talking to my cousin yesterday about how it hurts our hearts to see the kids without their Mom.  Those babies meant so much to Brandy it's hard to think all she is missing.  When Monica said she was helping Caleb on a day, playing with him, changing him. . .after church she just went home and cried.  I knew exactly what she was saying because I do that!  Still!  

I like to think I am a better person having gone through this loss. . .more compassionate, loving exc.  I hope I can spread just a little more of what Brandy was in the world.  If you speak to anyone that knew her you wouldn't ever hear a bad word about her!  She loved God and she loved people!  

I just miss her!  I could really use a hug from her right now.  

Instead I have my project 365 blog that takes me back to our last days together and even though she didn't make it in every post and picture.  I  recall memories from those days. 

We arrived in Oklahoma on June 28.  Our last complete welcoming party!

June 29 a family get together at McDonalds! 

June 30 Caylea and Caden's Birthday Party

July 3 Dinner at Mom's with my sisters and families! 

July 5 Play zone with Brandy and the kids and Heather and Charity.  It was so much fun and we have pictures of Brandy going down the slide even with her health she was much more brave than me!  I didn't go down those slides!  I remember we then had lunch at Chelenos with Nancy and then we went to visit our Aunt Connie who was in a nursing home sick.

July 6 Oh what a fun time.  I remember sitting and watching the fireworks next to Brandy.  We had a sleep over and Brandy brought candy for all the girls for our girl sleep over.  The boys slept outside.  We painted nails and I think the girls watched a movie.  So thankful for these memories!

July 8 My last time going to church with my sister.  I do not have specific memories of this day except Brandy helped me get all these kiddos we only missed little Liz.  

July 9 Calebs first hair cut.  I actually only saw Brandy for a few seconds this day.  I was on my way to meet her to photograph Caleb's first haircut and Carolina threw up in the van.  UGH!! Talk about ruining plans.  Brandy took this picture I edited it a little.  I remember she was so happy her picture made it onto my blog!!! I love how excited she was about things and I miss how she loved my photography!  She was so encouraging.  Maybe that is part of the reason I have not enjoyed it the same since.

July 10 Our last day.  We met at the spray park.  Had a great time then I remember Caylea going home with Charity.  Brandy took the kids home for a nap.  Then she picked up Caylea for me and met me at Mom's for dinner.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that is where I last saw and hugged her.  When she and the kids left it was dark.  I always helped her get them out the door and buckled in.  I remember we chatted for a while in the dark by her suv.  We then hugged said our love and would see each other again soon.  When I saw her again . . . it was in September after the accident.  I'd much rather remember her not from then.  

We spoke after that, mostly text . . .but not another hug.  I can't wait until I get to heaven and get to hug her again!  She had the most beautiful soul!

You won't find many of these blogs in me anymore however I do hope that I find my joy in really writing blogs again soon.  I miss it . . .kinda. . .