Blessed Day

I loved this day! Well mostly the hours between 4:45pm and 10:00pm.

This group of kids just bring my heart joy! They are each and everyone special and amazing both together and separately!!! (The adults are pretty awesome also!)

I know that this weekend is going to fly by so I am going to take time to savor each and every moment with my family and just soak up the love. The love in my family its a beautiful thing! I feel I have always appreciated it but now I am fully aware and appreciate it even more!

Tomorrow (well later today) we are going to the pumpkin patch. I didn't want to go when Aaron first called me about it but now I am looking forward to it. I know we will make some beautiful memories with our amazing family and a few of our wonderful church family from Edmond Road. ( yes I still consider them church family even though we have been gone for over 2 years)

God is so good! Even when things are rough He knows what we really NEED to get through.

I do have a few prayer requests not related to my blood family. I do not have permission to post here but please keep my 2 unspoken prayer requests in your prayers along with my family and Chris & the kids. Thank you so much.

I Can't Even Describe

I can't even describe how much seeing pictures of my sisters kids means to me right now.

 I can be having a down day and get an email or text from my Brother in law Chris with a picture of the kids or Nancy his Mom will put pictures on Facebook.  Just seeing those faces means so much to my heart.  The last several days they just happen to come right when I need them. I am so thankful!

I am thankful to see their smiles and know that they are okay. That God is taking care of them and Chris. To know that they can indeed still be happy. If they can be happy certainly I can find it within myself to figure out how to allow God to bring me to that place also.

We will always miss Brandy and I am certain we will all have our days, or moments but I am thankful to find myself in this place. This place where I can have a good day, even if its not the whole day - I will take it.

Last week at this time. I didn't even want a good day. I was even having a hard time imagining that I would ever want to be happy again.

This week I find myself in a new place.

The hardest part of all of this is of course my sister being gone and knowing her kids and husband are having to find a way without her. The hardest thing besides those things for me is being here. I think when a family goes through something like this we were designed to want to be with each other. To help each other through. With me here and them there I have never felt more alone and helpless. All I wanted to do was help Chris and be there for the kids. I couldn't be. I tried to tell myself that they were being helped by loving people but it was if little consolation.

I have had this war inside my heart since soon after that awful day. A war against what I know to be true and what I have felt to my core. I am thankful that my feelings are coming around not 100% of the time but I will take what I can get right now.

I am thankful to have been in church pretty much my whole life. I know who God is, I know what He is about! I am thankful that even though my heart hurts I am now able to find peace and rest in my Father in heaven.

I know I'll always miss my sister at least until the day I see her again! I think it may always hurt my heart to hear about missionaries and to see their excitement .

I will remember though that God has a plan!

Look at these sweet faces all ready for old fashioned Sunday at Edmond Road Baptist Church! How can you not smile in your heart seeing them!

Hat Day

This is red ribbon week at the kids school. Today they got to wear any hat. The girls both wanted an OU hat of daddies.

Caden ran a fever last night so he didn't get to participate. He hung out with me today.

On of our friends Aubrey waited for the bus with us this morning.

I am so ready for our upcoming trip to Oklahoma. I NEED to see my family.

Tomorrow is Anthony and my 10th Anniversary.

The cutest little OU fans in all of Louisiana. . 

Three Silly faces

This Week

I know there are going to be tough days.  I expected them.  I thought I was ready for them.  I got sick with a stomach bug Sunday night along with Carolina.  Thankfully Carolina was well pretty quickly.  I am still sick to my stomach.  Caylea came down with it Tuesday she recovered quickly.  I am starting to think that it is more stress and the fact that I haven't left my house than the stomach bug hanging on.  I've used it as an excuse to sleep until 11 or 12 everyday this week after I get the kids off to school.  

I am having such a hard time with being here and being so alone and disconnected from my family.    

I know I could call some family members and I know they would talk to me.  What do I say though.  I don't even know pretend like nothing has changed or talk about it . . .either way it doesn't matter.  We are all thinking the same exact thing!  

What I do know about the kids is what I've see through pictures that people share on facebook.      I am thankful to at least have that. 

Today I got an e-mail from Chris one that he sends out to his supporting churches.  I am thankful I got it because it had information that I didn't know in it.  Well except it didn't say defiantly although later my husband read it and said it did.  I guess I am just not good at reading between the lines.  

So I e-mailed Chris they are planning to go to Brazil.  Praying about timeline.  

You know I had suspected this.  God wouldn't change His mind about Brazil.  It is what they were working twords and called to do.  I want this for all of them to be in God's will.  It's about God and the people Chris and the kids are meant to take God to.  

  I know I will see those kids and be able to watch them grow up but with Brandy gone I can't help but know that my relationship and my kids relationship with them is forever changed.  Not because anyone wants that just because when I am visiting Oklahoma (which isn't often enough) we won't be together almost the whole time.  Also when they are in Brazil I won't have Brandy to keep in contact with me the way only she would of.

Honestly I wouldn't even of spoken with the kids most likely in the last 5 weeks (well except for their birthday's).  However I have no doubt that I would of had countless interactions with my sister through talking on the phone, facebook, text. . .

That is really what I am really missing.

So tomorrow is a new day.  I have decided I am going to leave this house.  

Attached is the prayer requests Chris sent out with his letter please keep them in your prayers along with his family.

Prayer requests:

1. Souls to be saved

2. God to use our family for His glory.

3. God’s timing for our move

4. God’s help in our language studies

5. God’s protection for our family

6. My children

Just Sharing a Few thoughts. . .Life

Life can sure throw you some curve balls.  There have been many times in my life that I have had feelings that were hard to deal with and questions that will go unanswered.  However no time in my life has that been more true than since the accident that caused the death of my sister whom was my best friend.  

The last month I have been having the hardest time with all of the unanswered questions and all of the anger that I felt inside of me.  

I even had a hard time talking to God.  I did pray with my kids.  What I knew to be true was fighting against the feelings that were so strong inside of me.  

It was hard for me to imagine a God whom I have personally felt love from even at my most unlovable times allowing the death of my sister.  My sister who gave her life to Him, who was willing to drop everything and raise (and home school) her kids on the road for the last two years, a lady that was willing to move her family, her children to another country, to learn a new language new customs all to tell people about Him.  She was even happy to do these things more than happy really!  How could He allow this to happen.  You see I have the knowledge and the total faith that He could of stopped it if He hadmwanted to.  There is no doubt in my mind about that.  

My sister had lupus and rheumatoid arthritis.  She wasn't old she was actually very young when the lupus reared it's ugly head.  The rheumatoid not long after.  

Why would he allow her to have these diseases if He was just going to take her.  They caused her such pain and made everyday tasks difficult and a lot of them impossible.  They made it hard for her to do simple things like be out in the sun with her kids for a day at the park or pick up wet laundry and put it into the dryer.  You know though my sister never complained about it.  No Never!  On days that I could tell how very hard things were for her and how badly she felt I would have to ask to know anything!  When she went to the doctor I had to ask what he said.  The only time I even ever saw her upset about anything medically was when the doctor discovered divots in her bones and she knew she was going to have to stop nursing her baby and take these toxic medications that had horrible side effects.  I can almost guarantee you that even that time I had to ask about her appointment.  I remember the day.  It was one of the few times I was in Oklahoma before her because she was traveling.  I remember the picture I took of Caleb that day he was about 5 or 6 months old.  They hadn't been home long when I walked in the house she was not in the room but Caleb was in the jumper and I walked over to him and said hi and he laughed and gave me the biggest smile.  Brandy and I then packed up the kids went to eat at one of our favorites Taco Bueno (which I also have a picture of Brandy and the kids from that day eating our dinner) and then went to Khols to do a little shopping before we went back to her house.  

She was such a great sister, an amazing Mom, awesome wife and wonderful daughter but I also know that what she was best at was loving God and wanting to please Him.  She wanted to always be 100% in His will!

These things mixed with so many more things in my head have been so hard to deal with.  

When Anthony asked me about his Dad and Grandma coming for a visit.  I have to say I was worried.  I honestly didn't feel like being around people.  However God had a blessing in store for me.  I am thankful I was somehow able to accept it.  In a conversation with Anthony's Dad, Charles Friday night he mentioned how someone he knew had dealt with a close death and that it when he was finally when able to accept it was when he was able to say to God that not only was he okay with God's decision that God was right.  I was taken back at first thinking I could NEVER say that!  It would just never be true to my heart.  

Friday Anthony, Caden and Charles went to play golf.  Ina (Anthony's grandma) and I had a morning visit at the house, we then went to work Stallion Store at the school.  After that we went to Newks for lunch.  It was there that I feel like I was able to listen to what this wise woman had to say to me.  She shared some things that were very close to her heart with me.  They are all important but the thing that stuck out most was when she said almost the same thing that Charles had about God being right!  Again my heart wanted to fight and protest.  How could I ever say that.  Wouldn't that mean I didn't care or love Brandy enough!  

You see my deep feelings are this.  There is a large part of me that does not want to be okay.  That does not want to move on.  If I let myself I could still talk myself into being mad at God. . . sure.  Who does that benefit except my selfish desire to not want to live life without my sister, to not want to come to terms with the knowledge that her husband and three babies are living their lives without her, that my Mom no longer has her middle daughter, or my that my siblings no longer have what in my opinion was the best one of us.  Those feelings benefit no one and they bring no glory to God.  That is against what Brandy would want for me or anyone.  

You see I felt like there are very few people in this world that have the kind of care for me that my sister had.  When I was around her I had no doubt of her love and care.  I am in no way saying that countless others do not care.  That would be a lie.  What I am saying as that Brandy had a love for me that went beyond a normal sisterly love.  She loved my heart in the good, in the bad, in the ugly (and yes I can be very ugly at times).  It didn't matter to her.  Sure she wanted me to be happy to feel loved but there was more to it than that.  As much as I knew it then I know it even more now.  

So over the weekend.  After these very heartfelt loving conversations, after a lot of prayer from family, friends and people who didn't even know me personally.  I came to a place where I can say that God doesn't make mistakes.  He is right.  I also have come to terms with the fact that I will not know the answers in this lifetime.  

That doesn't mean that there won't be hard days, that doesn't mean I won't miss her every single minute for the rest of my life, that doesn't mean that my heart won't sink watching her babies grow up without their Mommy or her husband without her.  What it means is that we are all part of a bigger plan.  Brandy knew that and she lived her life like that.  

The words Chris spoke to me the very last time he, Amanda and I were in the same room as Brandy's body while I am sure she was in heaven looking down at us.  Are as true today and bring me as much comfort now as they did in the days leading up to Brandy's Home Going Service.  I asked Chris if Brandy can see us from heaven how is she not sad to see us grieving her. Chris's words to me were because Brandy sees God's plan.  

It is not for me to understand why Brandy is home and we are here or why I am away from my family at this time.  What is for me to understand is that God has a bigger plan, a much bigger plan than I can even imagine.  My job is to trust Him, in whatever happens.  It won't always be easy but I think God is okay with my struggles.  

Happy 7th Birthday Elijah!

Today is Elijah's 7th Birthday.  

We called him tonight to tell him happy birthday and when he called us back he told us he went bowling.  He said he didn't know if he won! How cute!  He also said he was eating Jelly Beans . . .it was after 9:00 so I think his birthday sounds like it was a good one! 

(Nancy's Picture)

Boy's Birthday Party Nancy took these pictures last weekend the boys had a fishing party!  

I can not wait to see these kids really soon!  I love this boy!

1 Month

I want to write this awesome post about how amazing my sister was and how we miss her so very much.  However I feel the words escape me as I sit down to write.  I thought about just not posting anything.  I can't though I feel the need to mark this day.  

In the last month there have been many times that I have felt the urge to call Brandy or send her a quick text.  Only to realize that that is not possible.  The odd thing about that is that she is never far from my thoughts even as I try to work on things like dinner or helping the kids with homework.  How can I be so shocked when I realize the text or phone call would go unanswered?

We are making a trip to Oklahoma in a few weeks.  As it is getting closer  I find myself very anxious about this.  I almost do not want to go so that I can escape what I know I will experience.  Here in Louisiana I am heartbroken, sad and lonely but I think that those feelings are somewhat muted compared to the upcoming trips to Oklahoma.  Anniversaries, Birthday's  Thanksgiving, Christmas exc.  I do not know how exactly I will feel while in Oklahoma however I do know that the cold hard truth is waiting for me there.  That my sister will not be at Mom's waiting with Mom and her children for us to get there. To just be excited once again be together, to spend the week just being together.  She will not be meeting me each day I am there with her kids even while I make my visits to other family members or go to the zoo, park, science museum or even just the grocery store.  Those facts make the former excitement of going to Oklahoma non existent.

I fear that our children will loose their close relationships because she is not here.  I know this could never happen on purpose but just the fact that they won't be together as much makes it very likely to become our fate.  That breaks my heart.

I knew they were going to go to Brazil in June but I also THOUGHT I knew that I could be still be able to talk to, text and see her again. . .even if it was a few years for the actual hug.

This week has been the week that I forced myself to begin to leave my house.

Monday was Caden's very first playmate with his very own classmates.  

Jackson and Adam with Caden.  Jackson's little brother Carter is also in the picture.

Tuesday Caylea had a field trip to the Red River Revel.  On Monday I talked Caylea into just staying home with me so I wouldn't have to go.  However when I text Mrs. Miller she needed me to go.  At the time I wasn't happy about it.  I realized though after going and speaking with Mrs. Miller it was what I needed to do and she knew that.  It was not the normal fun field trip like the kids usually have.  The first part was really hard for me however once we got moving it wasn't so bad.  

Yesterday was Carolina's field trip to Papa Simpson's Farm. 

Carolina wanted to chose the smallest pumpkin in the patch.

I love that Carolina seems to chose the sweetest little friends!

Carolina and her friend Abby.

Carolina and Aubrey.

Miss. Eligin's 1st Grade class. 

That is all I have for now.  Tomorrow is Elijah's 7th Birthday.  

Please keep praying for our family.  I know you all will. 

Happy 2nd Birthday Caleb

This sweet baby boy is 2.  I can hardly believe it.  When he was born I went to Oklahoma for two weeks to spend time with Brandy and get to know my little nephew.  He has always been such a sweet cuddle bug.  Earlier this year he started not wanting to give me my hundred kisses so I started bribing him with fruit snacks I would give him one for each kiss.  We went through a lot of snacks.  Brandy never gave me a hard time.  She just laughed and pretended not to notice how many packages we went through.  She loved me being able to love on him even if it included way TOO much sugar!  After all it wasn't like we were together all the time.  

I so wish I could be in Oklahoma today to celebrate this babies birthday with him.  I know that he is surrounded by people that love him today and are making sure he feels special and loved.  I know that is what is most important.  

Chris sent this to me last night.  Caleb swinging before church last night.  Look how big he looks!  Even swinging with only one hand!  Way to go buddy! 

Caleb's 2nd Birthday is today and Elijah's 7th is next Friday.  

Last year the boys had their birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.  

Brandy with 6 year old Elijah and 1 year old Caleb.

October 2011

I have thought about it and I do not want to use this blog to write about my feelings other than the obvious that I miss my sister every single minute of every single day.  I am human and have a lot going on inside my head and heart and I expect to for a very long time.  I do not at all want to distract from Brandy's legacy.  So you will find happy memories here and updates about our family when I feel up to writing about them.    

Please remember my family and I in your prayers and most especially Chris and those precious babies, Elijah, Sarah and Caleb.  

Baby Caleb Post

Carolina reading Caleb a Happy Birthday Book