Life can sure throw you some curve balls. There have been many times in my life that I have had feelings that were hard to deal with and questions that will go unanswered. However no time in my life has that been more true than since the accident that caused the death of my sister whom was my best friend.
The last month I have been having the hardest time with all of the unanswered questions and all of the anger that I felt inside of me.
I even had a hard time talking to God. I did pray with my kids. What I knew to be true was fighting against the feelings that were so strong inside of me.
It was hard for me to imagine a God whom I have personally felt love from even at my most unlovable times allowing the death of my sister. My sister who gave her life to Him, who was willing to drop everything and raise (and home school) her kids on the road for the last two years, a lady that was willing to move her family, her children to another country, to learn a new language new customs all to tell people about Him. She was even happy to do these things more than happy really! How could He allow this to happen. You see I have the knowledge and the total faith that He could of stopped it if He hadmwanted to. There is no doubt in my mind about that.
My sister had lupus and rheumatoid arthritis. She wasn't old she was actually very young when the lupus reared it's ugly head. The rheumatoid not long after.
Why would he allow her to have these diseases if He was just going to take her. They caused her such pain and made everyday tasks difficult and a lot of them impossible. They made it hard for her to do simple things like be out in the sun with her kids for a day at the park or pick up wet laundry and put it into the dryer. You know though my sister never complained about it. No Never! On days that I could tell how very hard things were for her and how badly she felt I would have to ask to know anything! When she went to the doctor I had to ask what he said. The only time I even ever saw her upset about anything medically was when the doctor discovered divots in her bones and she knew she was going to have to stop nursing her baby and take these toxic medications that had horrible side effects. I can almost guarantee you that even that time I had to ask about her appointment. I remember the day. It was one of the few times I was in Oklahoma before her because she was traveling. I remember the picture I took of Caleb that day he was about 5 or 6 months old. They hadn't been home long when I walked in the house she was not in the room but Caleb was in the jumper and I walked over to him and said hi and he laughed and gave me the biggest smile. Brandy and I then packed up the kids went to eat at one of our favorites Taco Bueno (which I also have a picture of Brandy and the kids from that day eating our dinner) and then went to Khols to do a little shopping before we went back to her house.
She was such a great sister, an amazing Mom, awesome wife and wonderful daughter but I also know that what she was best at was loving God and wanting to please Him. She wanted to always be 100% in His will!
These things mixed with so many more things in my head have been so hard to deal with.
When Anthony asked me about his Dad and Grandma coming for a visit. I have to say I was worried. I honestly didn't feel like being around people. However God had a blessing in store for me. I am thankful I was somehow able to accept it. In a conversation with Anthony's Dad, Charles Friday night he mentioned how someone he knew had dealt with a close death and that it when he was finally when able to accept it was when he was able to say to God that not only was he okay with God's decision that God was right. I was taken back at first thinking I could NEVER say that! It would just never be true to my heart.
Friday Anthony, Caden and Charles went to play golf. Ina (Anthony's grandma) and I had a morning visit at the house, we then went to work Stallion Store at the school. After that we went to Newks for lunch. It was there that I feel like I was able to listen to what this wise woman had to say to me. She shared some things that were very close to her heart with me. They are all important but the thing that stuck out most was when she said almost the same thing that Charles had about God being right! Again my heart wanted to fight and protest. How could I ever say that. Wouldn't that mean I didn't care or love Brandy enough!
You see my deep feelings are this. There is a large part of me that does not want to be okay. That does not want to move on. If I let myself I could still talk myself into being mad at God. . . sure. Who does that benefit except my selfish desire to not want to live life without my sister, to not want to come to terms with the knowledge that her husband and three babies are living their lives without her, that my Mom no longer has her middle daughter, or my that my siblings no longer have what in my opinion was the best one of us. Those feelings benefit no one and they bring no glory to God. That is against what Brandy would want for me or anyone.
You see I felt like there are very few people in this world that have the kind of care for me that my sister had. When I was around her I had no doubt of her love and care. I am in no way saying that countless others do not care. That would be a lie. What I am saying as that Brandy had a love for me that went beyond a normal sisterly love. She loved my heart in the good, in the bad, in the ugly (and yes I can be very ugly at times). It didn't matter to her. Sure she wanted me to be happy to feel loved but there was more to it than that. As much as I knew it then I know it even more now.
So over the weekend. After these very heartfelt loving conversations, after a lot of prayer from family, friends and people who didn't even know me personally. I came to a place where I can say that God doesn't make mistakes. He is right. I also have come to terms with the fact that I will not know the answers in this lifetime.
That doesn't mean that there won't be hard days, that doesn't mean I won't miss her every single minute for the rest of my life, that doesn't mean that my heart won't sink watching her babies grow up without their Mommy or her husband without her. What it means is that we are all part of a bigger plan. Brandy knew that and she lived her life like that.
The words Chris spoke to me the very last time he, Amanda and I were in the same room as Brandy's body while I am sure she was in heaven looking down at us. Are as true today and bring me as much comfort now as they did in the days leading up to Brandy's Home Going Service. I asked Chris if Brandy can see us from heaven how is she not sad to see us grieving her. Chris's words to me were because Brandy sees God's plan.
It is not for me to understand why Brandy is home and we are here or why I am away from my family at this time. What is for me to understand is that God has a bigger plan, a much bigger plan than I can even imagine. My job is to trust Him, in whatever happens. It won't always be easy but I think God is okay with my struggles.
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